The most cold winter цитаты
Обновлено: 22.12.2024
Taehyung knows right away: Jeon Jungkook doesn’t like him.
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Notes:
- A translation of The Most Cold Winter by Anna Elis.
The Best Pessimist – The Most Cold Winter
Happy New 2020 to Anna, Phoenixes, and all dear readers of ours! Thank you for supporting us through 2019, for reading and loving these stories Anna created for us. I'm wishing you all a better new year! Stay healthy and happy, and keep on keeping on. I love you all for eternity and after that still.
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• || Тэхёна всегда изумляло то, как быстро люди привыкают к кому-то. Стоит только помочь им, проявить заинтересованность к их проблеме, побыть с ними рядом в самый трудный момент, и они сами повысят твою ценность и значимость в своей жизни.. и самое трудное, когда этих людей несколько.
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• || Депрессия – это когда тебе страшно оставаться наедине с собой».
«Депрессия – это когда ты несчастен без причины».
«Депрессия – это когда ты просыпаешься уставшим».
«Депрессия – это когда ты ненавидишь себя и плачешь из-за боязни того, что это навсегда».
Chapter 1: Prologue
Chapter Text
Being alone is better.
Taehyung closes his eyes, leans his forehead against a cold brick wall and, keeping his hands in his coat pockets, lets out a heavy sigh. It’s already dark out: street lamps casting orange lights, passing cars flashing their headlights, and trees of a forest or some kind of an abandoned park on the other side of the road shaping into a huge black spot, and nothingness behind.
December is getting closer.
Smoking is not allowed on this balcony – at any moment a patient can walk in – and it’s really difficult for Taehyung to control his desire to take a drag or two, after all, smoking is one of the few ways to calm his nerves down, and not just ineffective one, but as Taehyung convinced himself, it’s hundred percent working. So he imagines smoking. Slowly lifts his eyelids, casts his thoughtful gaze on the darkness before him and leisurely smokes, metaphorically of course. Necessary under the circumstances.
Is there such a thing as ‘normal’ in this world? And if so, who decides where it begins and ends? Maybe, insanity is normal? Maybe, truly insane people are the ones we generally regard as mentally healthy?
Or, maybe, there are no mentally healthy people at all?
Taehyung wonders about it every single day. Tries to find that fine line between genius and insanity (what if it’s madness that creates brilliance of mind and not the other way around?), delusion and common sense, fantasy and reality, but sometimes he can’t even explain the difference between all this to himself.
And what about feelings? Love, for example. Who decided that this feeling is an emotional experience, subjective and irrational view of someone? Maybe, it’s just a simple chemistry? Or obsession? No one knows and perhaps no one will ever know exactly what it truly is.
The only thing Taehyung knows for sure is that too many people on our planet became insane because of love.
Someone is going crazy because of love right this second.
Patient Miss N., twenty-nine years old. Never married, parent of one child; occupation – educational psychologist. Together with her family – mother, father and six-year-old daughter – decided to spend her vacation on an island. According to her mother, right before the check-in for their flight, N. saw the Holy Mother who blessed her to marry the man she loves, as the patient said herself. By her mother’s words, the patient is not in a relationship with this man and never was. They are just acquaintances. He’s an English courses teacher and she’s his student. Moreover, he is married and has two kids. Wasn’t it a reason enough to stop this passion patient? No.
Who knows how long and hard she was building this world in her mind where he is with her all the time. How many times she imagined being together with him, how often she told herself that she needs him and he needs her, etc.
This patient came out of Taehyung’s office fifteen minutes ago, leaving him with an abundance of questions. The whole time she’d been in there she was nothing but delirious – she couldn’t follow the interview, was not able to give a comprehensive answer to any question, had a huge (frightening) smile because of how happy she was to be blessed. And said nothing, absolutely nothing that would make sense. Her mother and father went ballistic, yelling at Taehyung all about how there was never a psycho in the family and how their daughter hadn’t experienced such an outburst before, and till the end, till the very last minute of the appointment they were denying the fact that their grown-up daughter needs medical help, which Taehyung kept offering time and time again.
For the record, they didn’t even thank him for the treatment he prescribed and the help he provided. Quite the opposite really, they blamed Taehyung because it was him who made such pre-diagnosis, and after a private interview with her and her parents, followed by collecting her medical history, he was the one who considered her mentally ill.
How is it possible to believe that love is supposed to be this purest brightest form of feelings, when every passing shift at work proves you wrong?
When someone storms out on the balcony – and judging by the white coat this someone is clearly a doctor – violently opens a window and, leaning on the frame, pokes outside with his head hanging down, Taehyung is slightly surprised. And not because it’s getting closer to December and it’s very cold outside.
Judging by his behavior – completely shagged out pediatric doctor.
“Not the best idea,” Taehyung rasps, remaining in that same standing position.
The other man, noticeably flinching, turns his head to Taehyung.
“Not the best idea for what?”
Indeed, this doctor is definitely new. Taehyung has never seen him here before.
Something in him reminds Taehyung of Seokjin – he, too, has every emotion written all over his face. Something – of Yoongi: he, too, chokes every time something bad happens, and picks at his cuticles till they bleed, as well. Something – of Hoseok: Hoseok, too, is annoyingly meticulous, wearing his perfectly creased pants and smoothly ironed coat (he even sits straight so not to wrinkle his clothes, god forbid). Something – of Jimin: he, too, has puffy eyes (Jimin is a bookworm: too much reading, not enough sleep; hits the bottle from time to time). Something – of Namjoon: Taehyung felt something similar in Namjoon, too. Right away, when they first met.
Something – of Taehyung himself. Although, for now Taehyung can’t figure out what this something is.
“For suicide,” he says in a flat tone, looking him in the eyes. “It’s not high enough up here. If you jump – broken arms and legs. Maybe a concussion or your scraped skin left on the asphalt. But you’ll live.”
The man arches his brow, not taking his eyes off Taehyung.
“I wasn’t going to jump.”
“I know,” he sounds so sure, that this shagged out pediatric doctor gets caught off guard and stops blinking. And then, after being silent for a while, turns away and starts watching the cars pass by their clinic. “It was an attempt to distract you.”
Seems like a failed one to Taehyung.
“Didn’t think anyone else was out here,” his voice is deep and tired.
“You’re not bothering me,” Taehyung’s voice is practically the same.
He finally detaches himself from the wall, walks closer to the doctor and, opening another window next to that one, leans his elbows against a frame, sticking his head out. It sure is cold outside. Very cold. People, walking on the street, are all pulling their scarfs up over their noses.
If Taehyung was here alone, he would hang his head down and direct his whole attention to the cars passing by, just like this new doctor does, but right now he is much more interested in this person standing next to him. Taehyung loves observing people.
Almost immediately he catches a glimpse of a name badge hanging from this man’s coat pocket. Jeon Jungkook, pediatric oncologist. One of the hardest medical specialties. Taehyung studies this man’s face intensely and suddenly realizes how wrong he was in thinking that he managed to distract Jungkook even a little bit from what has happened. Or rather from emotions he feels, trying to escape them and hiding on this balcony. Because Jungkook still has his emotions written all over his face – undoubtedly, they aren’t positive ones. And his eyes are still puffy, too.
And it’s hardly because of late night reading or double Jack on the rocks instead of sleeping pills.
“First time is always the hardest,” Taehyung says in a barely audible whisper, giving him a pitying look.
It’s not hard to guess the reason of Jungkook’s emotional state. Especially considering how fast word gets around in their clinic.
Jungkook’s eyes stay locked to the road.
“Just don’t act like you know or understand me,” he spews the words out quietly but harshly.
Taehyung actually doesn’t, he is just very perceptive, and Jungkook, as much as he’s trying to hide everything inside, is pretty transparent.
“It’s obvious how tense your muscles are just by looking at your back,” Taehyung begins, closely watching Jungkook’s reaction to his words: his eyes shift to the side, while he remains standing still and listening. “You have a rapid, shallow breathing, your face is red, and neck veins are bulging. You’re outraged. And you’re resenting whatever has happened,” Jungkook considers Taehyung’s words for some time, and then turns to face him and looks straight into his eyes. “In addition, your lower lid is tense, lips parted, brows arched, and—” Taehyung lowers his voice and slowly blinks. “I could go on and on listing all the signs. It won’t change what I’m getting at,” he falls silent for a few seconds, staring back at Jungkook, and probably compared to him appears to be the calmest person on this planet. “You’re scared.”
Taehyung never had trouble maintaining an eye contact with another person. Which is clearly more than can be said about Jungkook. Without answering anything, he drops his gaze to Taehyung’s name badge, quickly reads it and, turning away from him once again, smirks sadly, or more like disappointedly. He, probably, feels offended. Probably, somewhere deep inside his heart right now a flicker of dislike is born. And, probably, he is the type of person who doesn’t appreciate it when people read them like some damn code.
Taehyung knows right away: Jeon Jungkook doesn’t like him.
“And how is that any of your business?” as expected, he says between gritted teeth, not giving Taehyung another opportunity to look into his eyes.
“It’s not,” without playing into his provocation Taehyung responds calmly. “But I could hear you out and—”
“Did I ask you to do that?” his voice is full of revulsion.
You don’t have to ask a psychiatrist to do so.
The first time Taehyung lost his patient he was acting the same way. He was incredibly resentful and angry. Angry with the patient, with himself, and at the whole world. And he, too, was indescribably scared. It felt like this fear would drive him crazy, like he wouldn’t be able to recover from it ever again. A week later Taehyung stopped being mad at the patient and the world. He started blaming himself. Only himself. Because it was him who couldn’t provide needed help, who couldn’t find a proper way of treatment, who couldn’t take a better care.
Back then Taehyung didn’t have anyone by his side.
The second time Taehyung lost his patient he wasn’t scared anymore. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to rid the world of such a lousy doctor. He couldn’t even say anything, just walked into his own office, locked himself up in there and sat, staring at the wall. It was the same with his third one, and the fourth, and all the other patients who couldn’t make it. And, perhaps, if Taehyung opened the door for, let’s say, Namjoon, if he let him sit by his side and say something like ‘It totally sucks, my friend, but you did everything you could’, Taehyung would have worked through it faster. He would’ve snapped out of it, pulled himself together, without allowing himself to fall apart, and would’ve been able to help more people.
But Taehyung didn’t have anyone. So now, standing two feet away from Jungkook, the last thing he wants is to let him end up hating himself for what he didn’t have control over, just like Taehyung ended up doing.
“I understand,” Taehyung approaches carefully. “You’re not in the right state of mind now to—”
“You?” Jungkook cuts him off, looking up at him sharply. “Understand?”
Once again peering into his eyes Taehyung realizes that Jungkook feels way worse than it seems.
The first thing Taehyung learns about Jeon Jungkook: he is horrible at accepting help he’s in dire need of.
Jungkook is a young and ambitious physician, unable to accept the reality of life with its cruelness towards not only adults but children, as well as his own mistake. Actually, no. He’s not able to accept the mere possibility of this cruel reality or an error on his part occurring at all.
Jungkook was obviously prepared for this kind of an outcome. Such specialists, like he is, are always ready for a worst-case scenario. But what Jungkook is up against now – his own temper. He’s strict, especially with himself, he’s a contentious person (and it’s not judging by his emotional instability during their conversation), he’s reserved. It’s as if he’s holding a grudge against this existence (quite possibly he was hurt by someone), he has a bunch of hidden insecurities, he’s impulsive.
And he’s totally and completely devoted to his job. Maybe this is the resemblance Taehyung sensed between them from the very beginning.
“Jungkook,” Taehyung addresses him by the name for the first time. “It won’t be easy, but you can handle this. It gets better.”
Jungkook, stepping away from the window, begins laughing bitterly. Quietly, with absolute desperation. It looks terrifying. As if Jungkook himself just lost someone. Someone very close. As if he’s trying to suppress this hysteria that comes from bone-crushing helplessness. Facing him, Taehyung feels compassion blooming inside his own body.
He feels sorry for Jungkook, whose white coat covered with all kinds of stickers – Disney princesses, ninja turtles, comic book superheroes. He feels sorry because obviously Jungkook really loves children and worries about every single little patient as if they are his own kids.
Jungkook’s answers are clipped, he pushes off, unsuccessfully tries to hide his emotions, and still his whole body screams ‘How is this possible?’, ‘Why did it happen?’, ‘Could nothing be done?’. And Taehyung, the one who always knew what to tell at a certain point to a certain person, how to console someone, how to help, now is afraid to open his mouth and say anything at all. In his mind he’s got this clear image of Jungkook breaking down because of just one word, falling to the ground and turning into dust to never be put together ever again. Right here, right at Taehyung’s feet.
“He was five years old,” frowning, Jungkook tries to get through to Taehyung and motions to the hallway with its light coming into the balcony. “Only five years old,” repeats in a whisper, shaking his head, barely noticeable. “He loved animals and dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. Wanted to adopt another dog. To watch a new cartoon that is coming out in two days. To see the ocean and northern lights,” Jungkooks steps extremely close to Taehyung and stares at him like he doesn’t get it, not hiding his already red eyes. “Now go and tell his mommy and daddy crying over his bed that it gets better.”
Sometimes Taehyung thinks that pain is a part of our life. Everyone’s life, every single one. That there is no person who doesn’t experience pain. However, there are those who experience it all the time.
Parents of Jungkook’s five-year-old patient are those very people. They will never forget this pain. They’ll put away his books and toys in boxes, re-do his room or maybe on the contrary – they won’t touch any of his stuff, leaving everything the way it is, keeping his photos in the album and memories of him in their minds. They most likely will get over the fear and try for another baby. But they won’t forget the pain.
Certainly, time will dull the pain eventually. Negative feelings and emotions will lessen, scars on their hearts will heal, the void in their souls will be filled. But this pain won’t ever go away completely.
Taehyung understands this better than anyone, not once helping people in situations like this.
…talk to the parents, Taehyung is about to offer, but Jungkook cuts him off, not giving a chance to finish.
“Mind your own business,” he backs away, clenching his teeth. “And stay out of mine,” and quickly walks away down the empty hallway, leaving Taehyung on the balcony alone but in the company of yet another swarm of questions for his already burdened head.
Sometimes Taehyung thinks that pain is a part of our life. Everyone’s life, every single one. Including his own. Now, watching Jungkook’s back disappear, Taehyung finds himself thinking that right this second a countless number of people on Earth is struggling to cope with pain unsuccessfully, and still refusing to accept someone’s help.
It’s not about the need to learn how to survive on your own and handle the hardships of life. It’s not about how you should keep your feelings private and how you shouldn’t trust anyone. Because no, you shouldn’t keep them. And yes, you shouldn’t trust. But it’s about how hanging by a thread, without any hope, the right thing is not ‘I’m going to bury it deep down and manage on my own’, but ‘I need to at least try and ask for help’. Ask a person who can actually hear you out and provide help. Before it’s too late.
If Jungkook hadn’t come barging in onto this balcony, then Taehyung, who ended up here because of his cancelled appointment (basically, by accident), would’ve never known that in this instant, in this particular clinic there is a person who’s going through the hardest moment of his life. It wouldn’t have been discussed on social media, Taehyung wouldn’t have been notified about it via his work email. No one would’ve been. All the patients and nurses passing by a doctor in his funny white coat covered in teddies and bunnies would’ve never even thought about how this doctor was going through hell today. And Jungkook most likely would’ve come home today, collapsed in his bed and all night long kept on repeating how he would never forgive himself for this, trapping himself into guilt and self-loathing from which he would’ve never found a way out till his last breath. Which would have probably destroyed him.
Taehyung, of course, is not going to let that happen.
Right this moment someone who’s far away from us is suffering excruciating mental pain. Someone who’s willing to talk this out but no one would listen. Someone who’s used to sharing their feelings with an audience but is not heard. Someone who decided to seek help but was ignored.
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